Where Shia Lebeouf would imbibe.

Why Shia? Long story. Basically, he's allegedly quite the douche. In my opinion The Saucebox can be summed up in one small conversation. “So, is this place like a club, or bar, or what?” “Well, it’s not a club, but they sure do think they’re pretty cool.” Waiters with skinny skinny’s and rat tails, two gay’s courting each other at the bar, and the DJ might have been from Cypress Hill. To quote the great Mckee, ‘we’re not in Christmas Valley anymore.’ On the positive side, service was prompt, drinks were poured stiff as board, and the décor of this place is pretty smooth. Dark, rich, contrasted with budding branches and cherry blossoms.

The lineup

Halekulani Mai Tai (8)

Mirror Pond’s

Two of approx 45 drinks served up the resident ‘mixologists’ have stolen from recipe books and given new names.

If you want to engage in conversation don't go. If you want to get sloshed off of two cocktails and/or be approached by an Asian personal trainer named Lenny, this is your spot. 6

Where Anna K would dine.

Why the lovely Anna? Could it really be as simple as wanting a reason to post a (2) picture (s) of her? Well, she also happens to love all things Latino. All I can say about !Oba! is that it’s in the Pearl somewhere, has some pretty cool décor and the bathrooms were sparkling clean. Well done quality control manager. Now, in regards to the name, I’ll consult Rob again for his take. “What the guggens is an exclamation point doing in the name? I’ll be the one to decide if you deserve an exclamation."



The lineup (Happy Hour Prices)



Mojito (5)



Mac n Cheese (5)



Red Wine (5)



Mirror Pond (5)



Whatever the two girls 3 seats down at the bar had. Couldn’t see that far.



Mojito: Little less sour, little more crushing of the mint please Garcon. Chop chop. Consulation prize: Looked like a pretty tasty late(r) night Happy Hour menu. Once again, will reserve judgment until a full dining experience has been enjoyed. 5

Where Rex Ryan would dine with Mark Mangino and Chuck Weis

Bar no. 3(Nob Hill Bar and Grill), as I have learned from sports talk radio has a good enough burger that it is in the quarterfinals of the city wide ‘burger bracket.’ While that’s a behemoth idea I sure would’ve liked to know about at the start, I sure do like the effort. Not quite far enough after Jakes to warrant an early 4th meal, so instead we chose to savor beers and watch North Carolina be terrible at basketball. “Why is UNC so bad this year Rob?” “It’s that fucking cocksucker Larry Drew II.” At this time I learned that UNC had 10 Wac’s All-Americans on their roster this year. Ha.

The lineup:

Beers.

Cool little dive bar. Bonus: Closest Bar to my house. Very excited to roll back for a crack at their “World Famous” burger. I’ll reserve judgment for later. 5

Where that grad student who’s banging her professor would invite her friends to meet for drinks.

Strong vibe here. By strong I mean there’s been a whole lot of effort into making this place feel the way it feels. One who believes grace cannot be acquired would believe this establishment is striving to acquire grace, but has fallen just short. “So, there was this moment during lecture, when he had just finished reading a passage when our eyes just met, and we knew. So now I fuck him all the time” is what I believe that grad student would have to say on the matter.

The lineup

Cheese Plate (5)

Cocktail of the day- Tuaca Martini of some sort (5)

House Red (5)

One of the cheeses on the plate was described to me as being “a nice cheese that's affordable, so, not surprised it’s served here.” Apparently people that know cheeses, know cheeses. The tuaca martini beverage had a cute sugared rim, and was not delicious. I apparently forgot about my dislike of Tuaca. Blah. 2

Almost forgot to mention the name of this 23rd st haunt. Bar Mingo.

Where Charleton Heston would dine.

Happy hour stop #1 on what proved to be a 5 stop happy hour/ mini pub crawl. Jakes. Legendary for their surf and turf, my party of two opted for their equally legendary Happy Hour. The food was above par, but the prices/ quality ratio is what ensures the 'Legendary' moniker is well deserved.

The lineup:

1/2 Lb. Cheeseburger + Fries (2.95)

Tempura Ahi Roll (1.95)

Mozz/ Tomato Bruschetta (1.95)

2 Gin n Tonics

13 oz's Veridien Red

Good burger, but for less than Big Mac n Fries at Wacs, it goes from good to GREAT. The balsamic on the Bruschetta was dankins, and while the lightly fried tempura roll was pretty much all rice, it was definitely a nice filler for under 2 bucks. Healthy pours on the G/T's were also appreciated. As far as Happy Hours go: 8

Where 'Slim' would dine.

Does this man look familiar?

The name rings Italian, the drinks say VIVA! 23rd st. 1130 am. Raining outside. I am dressed to kill...an interview. "so what would you like to do with your life." Internal answer: ' Fuck you Kimberly, not be here.' External answer "well, I'd really like to broaden my horizons, you know, hone my sales skills and continue providing phenomenal customer service in whatever roll the organization can use me. I'M A TEAM PLAYER!" Anyhow, to celebrate a clean UA, we chose to dine Vivace, nice little setting, barista had a kind of cool (Lebanese?) accent, and the patrons seemed genuinely interested in what our party of two had to say. There are seven strangers who are now fully aware of the fact that from 2003-2006 the drugs of choice at Summit, Mountain View, and Bend High were respectively Blow, Meth, and Huffing Paint; and that Shelly allegedly gave Dave a blowjob in 2004 or thereabouts.

The lineup:

1 Crepe (Mozzarella, Spinach, Mushroom, something else?)

Spicy Mexican Mocha

Americano- light Creme

The gooey goodness of a mushroom dangling in a cremy mozza cocoon on a drizzly stumptown morning. Interrupted only by the occasional sip of a too-fancy spicified frothy delight. Mexican Mocha, a tribute to the newly crowned 'richest man in the world' Carlos Slim Helu aka Chuy. The name Slim is no longer attributed only to the bangers and pushers, but also to post globalization wealth guru's. Drinks 7. Crepes 6. Too much Spinach.

Where Nicolas Batum would eat.

Kind of a vague way to describe a bakery on 23rd street right? Why would Batum eat here? Why the fuck wouldn't he? He's French, he lives in Portland, right up the street for all I know, and once again, they (allegedly) serve killer Croissant's, which if I'm not mistaken are of French (or latin) origin.

Ken's Artisan Bakery ( The one next to Bishops Barbershop) from what I can tell is a Portland staple for acquiring knick knacks of taste. I figured that I'd start off writing about food the same way I usually like to eat food, a little on the light side.

The Lineup (for two):

2 mini chocolate croissant

1 iced tea

1 americano w/ light creme

The Result

I'm a huge fan of assigning arbitrary rankings to items and experiences and people and places, so with that in mind, being the first candidate gets Ken's Artisan Bakery assigned a skinny, fat, so-so, living in indecision 5

Serencecies Simplified

Crater Lake all day with friends and lovers, going it HARD. A toast on the beach to a chilly little Toast. Skee-ball'd Widmer hef, lemon-no-lime. Make a mockery of the photo booth. Sure, we've got time. Ponchos? Fuck ya, lets get ponchos! I am soooooooo hungry! Look for the sign; EAT AT JOES, er MOE'S. A full palate of Dungeness Crab, big smiles around. Baby, you need anything else? Nah, my serencecies are now serencified.